Therapy in its various forms

Well, I survived the week at work as a lone HRO in a department which requires 2 HRO's to stay on top of things. My partner in crime has been out because she was in a car accident over the weekend, but she's scheduled to come back next Monday. Believe me, I have been freaking and tweaking these past few days, and was soooo ready for the weekend.

So here's what I did to unwind...


That's right, baby, I hit the slopes at Mountain High for some serious snowboarding therapy. It was absolutely SPECTACULAR!! The snow was perfect and the weather was 55 degrees, so I was riding in my tanktop & hoodie. There weren't too many people and the lift ticket was discounted because it's still early in the season. And I rode better than I ever have; the wind rushed past my ears, I rode up the sides of hills, and I carved the hell out of that mountain. I rode until my calves started aching...

And that was my signal to chill out because my friends had planned on taking me to an Indian casino for some pre-birthday clubbing action, and I didn't want to wear myself out too much. So I only spent 4 hours on the mountain, but it was soooo worth it!

Anyway, long story short on the pre-birthday trip...this was the first time in like over TEN (10!) years that I've been to a nice club; soon-to-be-ex didn't like clubs. This was also the first time in like 5 years I got to go out with these friends; soon-to-be-ex didn't like me going out with friends. So, there was a nice big group of us, we got a little jiggy with it and got our groove on on the dance floor, and went back to the room at a respectable 1:30 am. I didn't get (too) drunk, danced with some decidedly unsavory guys, and just had an outstanding time. I've known most of these girls for like 6 years, so we always get crazy and have a blast together. It was nice to get out with people who care so much about me.

What's funny is that, although I loved the company of my friends, going into the type of situation where it's basically a meatmarket is very unnerving to me. I feel like I'm constantly being judged against the other girls (very young, cute girls, mind you), and am being found lacking. I draw this conclusion based on the fact that no normal-looking guys approached me. Although, at one point I did have an opportunity to approach a really cute normal-looking guy, but I chickened out because I just couldn't survive rejection. I found out later that it was his birthday too, so that could have so been my ice-breaker, us having close birthdays, but it was too late to try it out. Oh well...

Anyway, I find that I feel really down about myself in that type of atmosphere. And, even if I was to meet someone there, I'm not sure he'd be the type I'd want to hook up with. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I guess I just wanted to say that I expected that going clubbing would make me feel better about myself, but it just kind of amplifies my aloneness and my total lack of hope that a single, good-looking, successful guy will ever be attracted to me, a 32-year-old, soon-to-be-divorced mother of a 1 & 3 year old.

And, yes, I know it's too early to be thinking of getting back into a relationship, and yes, I know that I need to enjoy being alone and use this opportunity to get to know and like myself for myself, but I have security & self-esteem issues. I'm still at a point where I would like to feel like someone cares about me and my day-to-day life. You know, just to know that there's at least one person, besides me, out there in the whole world who really cares about what's going on in my life just because of the simple fact that he cares about me.

Hmmmm, now that I'm reading that, I think that's part of what my idea of love is at its core...an unselfish caring that prompts self-sacrifice to ensure the happiness of the other without expectation of external reward; the reward is the happiness he/she creates in the other person. That would be magic, wouldn't it? It's a freaking pipedream for me at this point.

Moving on (much like I should be doing), I've got some knitting to show you.

I am currently working on the collar. I don't want to sound too confident for fear of angering the knitting gods, but I'm pretty optimistic that I may be able to finish this without running out of yarn. I've already seamed the shoulders, so once the collar is done, I'll just sew the sides, sleeves and then set the sleeves in and I'll be in FO Heaven.

I've already got my eye on another project, but more on that later....